Imaginary Conversations with Celebrities

Today I have given myself a new writing assignment. See, I went to see Toy Story on Ice with the fam the other night. Joe's vendor hooked us up with tickets to see the show in the company's box. One of those suites. Which meant that we stood in line at the VIP entrance. There were several "celebrities" in line with us. We saw a couple of TV actors whose names we couldn't remember, Patty Whatshername from Millionaire Matchmaker, the younger sister from Modern Family, Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa, as Joe knew her from some orange couch something), and some other vaguely familiar faces. But DIRECTLY in front of us was Jennifer Love Hewitt. 

As a person who works with actors all the time, I know that actors are just regular people who happen to get paid to play pretend. Celebrity actors are the same as everyone, they just have to deal with weirdos that think they know that actor because they read US Weekly. I don't want to come off as one of those weirdos. So I try to be cool around people I recognize.

But that doesn't stop me from having weird imaginary conversations with them in my head.

Here is my imagined conversation with Jennifer Love Hewitt from that night. 

Me: Hi, Love.
JLH: Hi. Do we know each other?
Me: I was a featured extra in the 6th episode of Ghost Whisperer. I was one of the mental patients.
JLH: Oh yes! I remember you. You ate puzzle pieces. Brilliant acting.
Me: Thanks! You too.
JLH: I appreciate that.
Me: I got SAG eligible from that show. Oh! I never got to thank you for bringing Chic-Fil-A to the whole cast and crew one of the shoot days. That was so sweet of you.
JLH: No problem! I actually own a Chic-Fil-A.
Me: I had heard that. But are you aware of how anti-gay marriage rights Chic-Fil-A is?
JLH: Yes.
Me: Not cool, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Not cool........ Awkward. Well, enjoy the show.
 

(What actually happened.)
JLH glances at me with a flicker of a "Do I know that person? Probably not." and then smiles at Sebastian. I smile at her. She awkwardly looks away.
THE END

I posted this on Facebook, and one of my high school friends, Jose M, asked me to write an imaginary conversation between himself and Bill Hader, whom he sat next to on an airplane on a flight to New Mexico but to whom he said nothing. Here is that one:

Joe: Hi. I'm Joe. (Oh, wait. Do you actually go by Jose these days? Well, for the purposes of this fictional conversation, you still go by Joe.)
Bill: I'm Bill.
Joe: So... uh, why are you going to New Mexico?
Bill: I like tacos.
Joe: Oh, Bill Hader! You are hilarious. (Laughs for a little too long.)
Bill: .....
Joe: So... Sky Mall, huh?
Bill: ... Yeah.
Joe: In case you can't wait until you get out of the air to continue spending your money. Look at this one! A target alarm clock. Because nothing says waking up like a plastic glock in your hand.
Bill: ...
Joe: No laugh, no tip.
Bill: Excuse me, stewardess. Does this flight serve alcohol?
Joe: They aren't called stewardesses any more.
Bill: Lots of alcohol?
Joe: You're a dick. I'm not pretend talking to you anymore.

I think I should write a bunch of these. They are fun. So here goes today's episode of "Imaginary Conversations with Celebrities" from real encounters I have had:

EPISODE 1: JASON ALEXANDER

Kate is standing at the jewelry kiosk at which she works, which is located just outside the Arclight Hollywood (A movie theatre. It's awesome. Go there.). Jason Alexander walks up and admires some of the jewelry.

Kate: Can I help you find anything?
JA: No. I'm just browsing. This stuff is really nice.
Kate: Thanks. It's my friend's shop. I just work here to help out and get a little extra cash.
JA: Really? What do you actually do?
Kate: I'm a comedy writer and actor. (Because in Pretendland that's what I totally do professionally.)
JA: Would I recognize any of your work?
Kate: I doubt it.... Unless you happened to see "This Just In!" on Funny or Die.
JA: You wrote that? Oh my gosh! Now I recognize you! That is so hilarious!
Kate: Thanks!
JA: I have been thinking of producing my own sketch show featuring ridiculously obscure uploaded sketches  that have less than 50 views and a 73% funny rating.
Kate: Looks like I just made it. Let's hope nobody watches it and likes it anytime soon!
JA: Ha! You are so hilarious. Yes. I definitely want you involved with this project.
Kate: Great! Here's my card. (Which, in my imagination, reads "Kate Bishop: Funny Person") I'll have to write my number on it.
JA: Your cards are so clever. Nobody else in the world is edgy enough to not have their number on their card.
Kate: Thank you!
JA: I'm a hugger. Can I give you a hug?
Kate: Sure!
(They hug)
Kate: I feel like I'm at an 8th grade dance.
JA: ...
Kate: Ya know... because you are the same height as my boobs...
JA: ... Yeah.
Kate: (Makes a rimshot sound)
JA: I think I'm going to go into my movie now.
Kate: So... I'll talk to you soon?
JA: Sure.
(As Jason walks away, Kate sees him throw her card in the trash.)

What actually happened:
Kate stands at the jewelry kiosk and spots Jason Alexander walking up. He casually looks over at the jewelry from afar, then joins his group and walks into the theatre.
THE END