I read an article the other day entitled "
Why You're Not Married." I found it to be fairly funny with a couple of sound points. So I posted it on my Facebook page, knowing that it would piss some of my friends off. And boy did it ever! But what really fascinated me about it was that, for the most part, my married friends found it to be amusing and have good points and my single friends were deeply offended by it.
Now, the article was infused with stereotypes which, at least in my reading, were meant to be exaggerated examples to be funny. However, my friends HATED them and railed against each example as though it was a literal guide of behavior. (I must admit, comparing men to 12 year old boys and their love of the uncomplicated Kim Kardashian, was funny and smacked of truth, but was demeaning to feminists who find it repugnant to expect women to behave like the reality star.) The article didn't really do itself many favors in the titles of the different sections. (e.g. "1. You're a Bitch.", "2. You're Shallow.", etc.) Ultimately, anytime a person writes anything in the 2nd person, they run the risk of offending those who don't identify with the person described.
But I started thinking about the idea of single women in our society and the idea that they really don't like advice about how to become married. I totally understand the perceived stigma of being single. I spent many years feeling like everyone in the world was happily paired off except for me, especially on evil days like Valentine's Day. It's typical to feel alone in our experiences. In fact, as a married person with a child, I often feel like all of my friends are unmarried and experiencing glamorous nights out without me. (I can't tell you HOW many invitations I have to turn down because I would have a 2 year old in tow!) Whatever we experience, we see others doing the opposite, when in reality, there are many others in our situation. And there are LOTS of single people out there. If not, online dating wouldn't be such a huge industry. But there is something harder about being a single person in a perceived world of couples. Part of that is that the assumption that people are single, not because they are making choices that keep them single, but because of who they are as people. And, sure, there are assholes out there who are single because they are assholes. But I would argue that it is much more commonly good people who make choices that keep them single.
[A caveat: I said it on my Facebook page and I will say it again. There are people out there, good people, who are single and want to be single. I'm not talking about these people at all. I have a lot of respect for people who feel completely fulfilled on their own. I'm also not talking about people who are fine being single, but are not totally opposed to the idea of someday finding someone. Too, also, I am not referring to those who are in long term relationships but who don't, for whatever reason, intend to get married. That is a perfectly valid point of view. And I am certainly not referring to LGBT people in happy relationships that want to get married, but are not able because of laws prohibiting it. That is a travesty that I'm sure I will blog about at length in the future. But today I'm not talking about any of these people. This series of thoughts are only about single people (not just women!) who WANT to get married, but are having trouble getting there.]
The thing that is so striking to me about single people who want to get married but can't seem to find the right match, is that they (especially the women) tend to be very defensive when the topic of marriage comes up. It probably stems from the perceptions I listed above. That they think that I think that there is something wrong with them because they are single. And they immediately launch into all of the extenuating circumstances that they have encountered that, together, put them in their "predicament." Lots of things happen to us in our lives that affect where we are at any given point. But we are also where we are as a result of our choices.
Look, if there was a poor person that had a rich friend, there were probably LOTS of circumstances that the poor person faced in his/her life that kept them from being rich. And the rich person probably had several legs up over the course of their life. But if the rich friend wanted to give advice to the poor person on things they might do to try to become rich (especially if the rich friend made no judgment call on the poor person about why they were poor), wouldn't it make sense that the poor person would listen to the advice? (And I'm sure that the metaphor is one of those things that people can attack. "Kate, are you saying that single people are like poor people and married people are like rich people?" No. I am merely using it as an example of "Person A is in a situation that Person B would like to be in.") But, advice to single people is constantly defended against, having points attacked, and the manner by which it is given becomes immediately suspect. So an advice giver is automatically trying to traverse a field of landmines of hurt feelings and righteous indignation.
Here is the absolute base of my point. I love my single friends. I am not friends with people who I don't think are good people, worthy of love. I also have an innate proclivity for matchmaking. Mostly it is because I want my friends to be happy. If they want to find their love match, why wouldn't I try to help them?
So, what follows comes from love, NOT judgment.
Advice to my Single Friends from Me.
If the truth about single people is that they are not bad people but sometimes make choices that, in conjunction with bad luck/timing/pickings, keep them single, what can be done? Well, we certainly have no control over things that happen TO us. So bad luck/timing/pickings aren't really something to be discussed at length, because we can't actually do anything about it. What should be focused on is what we do. (Again, I want to drive this point home. Who you ARE does not enter into this. My advice is about things you can DO to try to find a person to marry.)
I think, merely because the structure already exists and I'm lazy, that I will use the framework of the offending article as a starting point.
1. (The article says, "You're a Bitch.") I say,
"Be Nice to People"
My Gram Gram was the nicest person I have ever met in my entire life. She NEVER said a harsh word about anyone. Ever. Period. She was the embodiment of sunshine and grace. When she died at 88 years old, over 100 people attended her funeral. That's a big number for that age. Trust me. I idolize the woman. Everyone who ever met her fell in love with her. When I was in high school and struggling socially, I asked her how I could be popular. She said, "Be nice to absolutely everyone." And it was true. I try to be like her. I know it doesn't always work. I am not Mary Sunshine. Sometimes I want to hit someone in the face. (Especially luxury car owners who cut me off in traffic.) But I find that I get a lot more positive attention from the opposite sex when I am cheerful. I'm not suggesting that single people have to walk around with a big fake smile plastered on their face. I'm not suggesting that snarky single people need to not be snarky. But being a little more positive never hurt anyone. Seeing the bright side. Even if it is once a day. Call it the daily "counting our blessings" moment. Crappy day? SOMETHING went right. Someone smiled at you when you needed it. Something made you laugh. If a person practices seeing the good in things, they start to see it naturally. And optimists are sexy. And being nice to people in general (talking to the barrista or server, smiling and making more eye contact, holding a door for someone) makes one meet more people in one's daily life. I have seen so many people that go through their lives "minding their own business" with their head down on their book or iPod or phone that miss possible connections. Looking around the room, smiling at people, encourages people to interact.
2. (Article says, "You're Shallow.") I say,
"Don't Judge Too Quickly"
I knew my husband for nearly a year before I started dating him. It's not to say that I didn't immediately find him attractive. Anyone who has made the mistake of asking me how we got together has been forced to hear me recount the minutest details of our first encounter and how hot I thought he was. But, again and again, I kept deciding that he wasn't the one for me. He was "too geeky." He "dressed badly" (I mean, really. His trademark outfit was an ill-fitting Everquest T-shirt with cutoff black jeans, military style black boots, and white tube socks.). He didn't try to hit on me like some of his friends so he "wasn't interested in me" (to which I came up with myriad reasons why that would be). Eventually, we had an evening where we ended up kissing and it was not pleasurable. So, once again, I checked him off my list. What happened? I got my head out of my ass. I realized one day what a great guy he is. I stopped comparing him to some list in my head of what I "wanted" and just looked at him for who he was. Lists are crap. Lists are about judging a person. I stopped judging and started seeing him. I saw that he is an incredibly kind and hard working person. Yes, I find him attractive. That's a nice bonus. There are a lot of people out there, I was one of them, who would sabotage their love lives by only falling for unattainable people. Most of the time it was really good looking guys. So I would discount guys that were into me for one reason or another and fall madly in love with the hot actor/musician/whatever. I would justify it to myself that I just didn't have chemistry with the one who liked me. But the old adage is true: "Ugly people who have good personalities get better looking, and good looking people who have bad personalities get uglier." So, my advice is, if a person is more open to finding love anywhere, not just the perfect 10, and that person might find the beauty in someone unexpected.
3. (Article says, "You're a Slut.") I say,
"Taking it Slowly Can Be Good"
Listen... I am the last person to tell anyone not to have sex outside of marriage. I don't expect anyone to abide by someone else's moral code. And I'm a believer in taking a test drive before you buy the car, as it were. (If you are reading this, family members, ignore the preceding sentences!) However, when a single person is ready to get married and wants to find a serious relationship, sleeping around doesn't help their chances. And, whether it is a stereotype or not, people don't have as much respect for someone who sleeps with them casually. Sex is important. But it is how the couple first approaches it that sets the tone for the future of the relationship. I'm just saying that saving it a little creates anticipation. And anticipation is good. (However, when you take anything to extremes, it turns ugly. For example,
this. Ick.)
4. (Article says, "You're A Liar.") I say, "
Be Honest About What You Want"
I often get in trouble because I sometimes struggle with the ability to censor myself. It might be perceived as a lack of tact, but I like to think of myself as an honest person. What I do sometimes have problems with is being totally honest with myself. I think that is pretty common. It's especially pervasive when we think we can't be honest with others. There is a school of thought that finding relationships is a game. I believe that it is only a game as long as you are playing it. If a person refuses to play, it's no fun for the others in "the game." So they don't play. If a person is honest about what they want, they WILL scare away the people that don't want that too. But those are the people that waste their time anyway, so what is the point in pursuing that avenue. If a person goes into a relationship with someone else and pretends that he or she is only interested in something casual, then later, when his/her true feelings are revealed, it comes across to the partner that they either a) were lying to them, or b) are crazy. I'm not saying that relationships can't be taken slowly. But, in my experience, it's better to let the other person know where you eventually want to be. Because it totally sucks to discover months into a relationship that the other person never ever wants to get married. I'm not advocating telling a first date that you wanna marry them. (Awkward.) Just having an open dialogue about the idea that one eventually wants to be married is healthy. And keeping the message consistent is important. Success comes from staying honest, not deciding someone can't handle it and retreating into going along with what is perceived to be what they want to hear.
5. (Article says, "You're Selfish.") I say, that's bullshit. Let's try, "
Don't Be Self Destructive"
As a person who has sometimes struggled with depression, I can very easily explain the spiral that got me every time. Something would go wrong. I would think about that thing and why it happened. I would fixate on it. And fixate on it. And fixate on it. And whilst I fixated on the bad thing, other bad things would happen, because I wasn't paying proper attention to those other things. So then I would decide that "everything in my life was turning into shit." On those lonely days, I would decide that I could never find anyone and it was hopeless. And then I would get into a desperate funk that was totally unattractive. So it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is just an example, but there are many other ways in which we all stand in our own way. A good way to get out of that kind of funk is to find a constructive way to get your mind off of your own worries. My favorite activity in that vein is volunteering somewhere. It really gets some perspective on my problems to see just how hard other people have it. Or people can just find their own activity that gets them out of spiraling inward and starts spiraling outward.... even if it's just standing outside at night and looking up at the stars. That always makes me feel appropriately insignificant.
6. (Article says, "You Aren't Good Enough.") I say, "
Realize Your Own Worth"
One of my friends, whom I will not name, blows my mind every time we talk. I think she is one of the smartest, funniest, delightful people that I know. But she is chronically single and every time I talk to her about it she says that she couldn't possibly look for a guy at her current weight. I will say this right now. It isn't about weight. I know a plethora of men that are into all different body types. There is a field of people available for absolutely every type of person out there. If the internet has taught us anything, it's that, if it exists, there are people that want to have sex with whatever "it" is. But single people, women especially, feel like they can't be rewarded until they achieve some mythical ending point to their personal aspirations. Look. I get it. As a plus sized person in an anorexic town, nobody understands more the challenges that face people who don't conform to the "normal" idea of "beauty." But, I can tell you, there IS no finish line. Society is like that sadistic trainer at the gym. No matter how far you have come, they always tack on "just a little bit more." Now, I'm not advocating "giving up" on yourself. I am advocating loving yourself as you are. If working out (or wearing nice clothes or whatever) makes you feel good about yourself, bravo! But your love for yourself shouldn't be conditional on achieving certain goals. Because our potential partners take cues from us on how to act toward us. Here is my secret to confidence. It seems stupid, but it works. Fake it. You fake confidence and people start seeing you as a confident person, so they treat you like a person that deserves to be confident. And, eventually, you will actually feel confident for real. I used to be one of the most insecure people ever. Then one day I started acting like I believed in myself. Soon others believed in me. And they convinced me I was right. Now I actually feel it. (Now, I'm not in anyway talking about arrogance or being a jerk. That antagonizes people. No es bueno. Confidence is just about you, not about how you compare to other people.)
So... that's my version of the advice. And I'm the first one to say, it is by no means a comprehensive list of advice for single people. It is a jumping off point. And, just like the rich man who gives advice to his poor friend, not all the answers that worked for that rich man will work for the poor man. Some things are appropriate, some are not. The advice that doesn't work for the poor man doesn't negate the value of the advice that might work out. And getting other input is invaluable too. There are lots of different ways to get rich, just like there are lots of different ways to get into a relationship.
Single friends, I say all of this with love and respect. And married friends, I encourage you to be aware of how hard it is for single people to take advice from us, especially when they feel we are judging them.
The original article created QUITE a stir on my Facebook page. I wonder what your thoughts are regarding finding a partner. Do any married people have any other (respectful) advice to add?
